Before the economy took a dive, I used to travel quite a bit for work. One time, I had just boarded a plane in Florida for a trip back to California and I was sitting there watching the other passengers board and playing the mental "Which one is gonna sit next to me ?" game.
You know the game - you check out the other passengers as they shuffle down the aisle and you try to use your telekinetic abilities to either deflect or attract a good seat mate. ( I can't be the ONLY one who does this !!!)
"Hmmm - Guy in a business suit, eh - maybe. Stinky Pakistani in a turban - Force Field at Max !!! Elderly Grandma looking woman - Yeah, that would be okay. She'll probably offer me some Lemon Drops that she's had in her purse since the Nixon adminstration. They might have a little lint on them, but I don't think they have an expiration date and I love Lemon Drops, so I'm okay with that. Oh Oh Oh !! Wait a Minute !! Super Model !!!! Scotty !!! Tractor Beam On Full !!! Divert power from the shields if you have to !!! "
Well, one by one, they all find their seats elsewhere until the seat next to me is the only one left on the plane. I'm thinking - Bonus !!! I get to stretch out on this 6 hour flight !!! WRONG !!!
Like the Tyrannosaurus paddock scene from Jurassic Park, I am startled by the vibration of thunderous footsteps coming from behind the First Class curtain. I look up just as the curtain parts and I see what is possibly the largest, most obese person I have ever seen. This guy looked like Chris Farley, but much bigger. That's correct - bigger. He had to weigh 350 if he weighed an ounce.
I desparately start scanning the cabin in the hopes that there is at least one more open seat other than the one next to me. And then it happens...
He makes eye contact with me and starts making a beeline for my row.
Now I'm pretty sure I didn't say it out loud, but I can't promise that he couldn't read my lips as I thought to myself "No Effin Way !!!"
Defeated, I stand up and let him into the row. He takes the window seat, and I have the aisle seat.
To be clear, let me just say that when I say I had the aisle seat, I mean I had the AISLE SEAT ! This guy is so big, that he is spilling over into my seat and taking up more than half of my seat. At best, I have one butt cheek precariously balanced on the edge of the cushion and the rest of me is in the aisle.
The flight attendant makes her final rounds and tells me that passengers aren't allowed in the aisle during take-off. To this I simply nod my head to the left , roll my eyes and give her my best "Seriously?!! Really?!! " look.
The plane takes off, and I wait patiently until the captain turns off the "fasten seat belt" sign.
As soon as the sign goes off, I pop out of my seat faster than a contestant being called out on "The Price Is Right" and approach the flight attendant. I explain my dilemma to her and ask her if there are ANY seats left on the plane including First Class, or even a crew jump seat. She says "I'm sorry sir. It's a full flight and you'll have to stay in your assigned seat."
" I can't", I tell her. "3/4 of my seat is being taken up by the guy next to me" .
"Sorry sir. There's nothing I can do" - UGHHHHHHH !!!!
Disgusted, I make my way back to my fractional seat and plop my one butt cheek down.
Then my mind starts racing. I think about the ethical and PR ramifications of making large people pay for two seats when they can't fit into a single seat. I picture a test seat being set up right next to the frame that you put your carry on bags in to see if they fit in the overhead bin. Your luggage doesn't fit? - Gotta check it. Your butt doesn't fit? - Gotta pay for two seats.
After about 40 minutes of sitting in a contorted, spine wracking pose, I'm seriously considering just going into the lavatory and spending the rest of the flight on the toilet. Hey, at least it's a seat !
As I get up to execute "Operation: Hog The Lavatory", the "fasten seat belt" sign dings on again.
"Ladies and Gentleman, we will be landing in Atlanta in about 10 minutes. Please take your seats and prepare for landing."
I had forgotten, we have a brief layover in Atlanta before continuing on to San Francisco. This could be my answer. I'll de-plane, and then book a separate flight to San Francisco. Granted, it will be expensive, but then again, so are Chiropractors.
The plane lands and I get up to grab my carry on bag and make my escape from what will surely be the flight from hell.
As I stand up, so does Big Boy. "This is my stop" he says.
Hallelujah !!!!! (I'm pretty sure that this time I did say it out loud.) I move out of the way, and let him out of the row. As he walks away, I sit down and reclaim my seat by slamming down the armrest, or as I now think of it, The Gauntlet.
A few minutes pass and then the new group of passengers boards the plane. Once again, it's time to fire up the telekinetic powers.
"Force Field....Force Field... Tractor Beam.."
They all board, and yet the seat next to me remains unoccupied.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, Welcome to United Flight 132 to San Francisco. Flight Crew - prepare the cabin for take-off."
YEEEEEEESSSSSSSS !!!! I get to double dip on the seats !!! This is better than going through the drive through at In and Out and having them accidently put an extra Double Double in the bag !!!
Up goes The Gauntlet as I comfortably spread my frame over both seats.
Ahhhhh - Karma is a beautiful thing
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Oh, For The Love of God !!!!
Here it is. My first Blogger entry. As stated in my header, these are my thoughts, my opinions, my observations, and my experiences. You might relate to them, or you might disagree or even be offended by them. Expect moments of reflection, criticism and a healthy dose of humor. Up first - Religion....
"Where do we come from?
Why are we here?
Where do we go when we die?"
These are the lyrics from one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite bands, Dream Theater. Aside from being a great song, I love how in three simple lines, the lyric sums up the core of all religions. Where do we come from? Why are we here? Where do we go when we die? Mankind has been seeking the answers to these questions for thousands of years, and will continue to do so as long as the human race exists. Why? because the answer will never come. The answers to these questions are unknowable. We can speculate and believe the answers to these questions, but we can not know them. They are matters of faith, not facts.
Religion is about faith, not facts. Granted, sometimes there are historical or archeological facts that may support a certain belief, but ultimately, it's what we choose to believe. But what happens when Faith and Facts collide?
I was raised in a Christian household. My adopted father was an interesting man. He attended Seminary and had a Divinity degree, but was also a Science teacher in an elementary school. At a fairly young age (in his forties), he attained 3 Masters degrees. He studied History, Politics, Science and Religion. Without a doubt, he was an incredibly intelligent and educated man who believed in God. How? Because he was able to listen to both his brain and his heart. He was able to reconcile his scientific mind with his passionate heart and the desire to believe in something that science could never explain while still respecting the scientific process and not denying scientific fact.
I wish more Christians possesed that ability. I wish more churches would teach people that the universe and planet Earth are more than 10,000 years old and that Dinosaurs and Humans never co-existed. I would love to hear a sermon that could explain how every species of animal on the planet fit onto Noah's ark and were cared for by 8 people. (By way of comparison, the San Diego Zoo employs about 600 people.) Maybe it's just my curious nature, but I need to know how stuff works on a logical level in order for me to be able to wrap my brain around it. I think that is why it's taken me many years to sort through my upbringing and decide as an adult what I truly believe.
In a nutshell, I'm a Christian. Let me tell you what that means to me.
It means that I believe in the teachings of Jesus Christ. In fact, the word "Christian" means "little Christ". But what does "Christ" mean? Some people may surprised to learn that Christ was not Jesus's last name. In his time, Jesus would have been known as Jesus of Nazareth or possibly Jesus, son of Joseph. "Christ" is the ancient Greek translation for the Hebrew word Messiah or Annointed. In other words, to be Christian means to be like Jesus.
It means to be kind and compassionate. It means to be humble and not judgmental. It means to be responsible and fair. It means to enjoy life and love those around you. It means to do the right thing even if it's the hardest thing.
I'm not saying that I do a great job at doing all these things. Actually, I can be a real jerk sometimes. I admit it.
But despite my shortcomings, even a self professed jerk like me at least gets the point of Christianity, and I am amazed and disheartened by those who claim to be Christians and miss the point completely.
When I see members of Westboro Church taking delight in the massacre of innocent children in Newtown and claim that God sent the shooter because Connecticut has pro gay laws, I am disgusted and angered.
I am appalled when I see "faith healing" con men like Peter Poppoff making millions of dollars by preying on the desperate and I wonder how a person could lack even a shadow of a conscience to do what he does.
The Catholic church has protected and concealed priests that engage in the molestation of children. Appalachian Pentecostals encourage followers to handle lethal rattlesnakes as a test of faith and to refuse medical treatment if they get bitten. Many of them die.
Warren Jeffs, the leader of a radical Mormon sect is serving a life sentence for arranging forced "marriages" and the the consequent rape of girls as young as 12 years old. Ted Haggard led a congregation of over 14,000 in his church in Colorado where every week he would espouse his conservative beliefs. What his congregation didn't know was that Ted was secretly having a 3 year affair with a male escort with whom he also liked to smoke meth.
And the list goes on and on. Indeed, some of the most criminal, outrageous, hypocritical, appalling acts have been performed in the name of God. How can anybody get it so wrong? How could anybody miss the point by that wide of a margin?
It's heartbreaking to see how sometimes people take something that is beautiful and Divine and distort it to the point of being sick and evil. And all the more reason to rejoice when someone gets it right.
I love reading about how the new Pope Francis has forgone the opportunity to live in solitary opulence and has chosen instead, to live in a simple apartment and eat breakfast every morning with other priests. I love the fact that the Pope spent Easter humbly washing the feet of inmates at a delinquent center including Muslims and women.
In Burton, Ohio, a church celebrated it's 200th anniversary by encouraging it's members to perform 200 acts of random kindness in their community. It's members baked cookies for public servants, paid for meals for strangers, filled neighbors' cars with gas and more. And most of the acts were done in anonymity.
When devastating tornados hit Oklahoma, several area churches banded together to donate drinking water, clothing, personal care items, medical care, and even stuffed animals to the families that had experienced unimaginable chaos and loss.
These are stories of true Christianity. These are the times when people conduct themselves in accordance to the example set by Jesus. These are the times when people are at their best.
And by the way, one doesn't need to believe in Jesus to be Christian. I can think of 3 people who I have met in my life that are exemplary models of Christianity, and all three are Agnostic. Conversely, I can also think of several people who are terrible examples of Christianity, all of whom are Bible thumping, regular church goers.
As for myself, I'm probably somewhere in between. I have my beliefs, but I sometimes stray from them. I struggle with my pride, my ego, my impatience, and my stress. I'm far from perfect, but that's okay. God knows my faults and still thinks I'm a pretty good guy, and that's good enough for me.
"Where do we come from?
Why are we here?
Where do we go when we die?"
These are the lyrics from one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite bands, Dream Theater. Aside from being a great song, I love how in three simple lines, the lyric sums up the core of all religions. Where do we come from? Why are we here? Where do we go when we die? Mankind has been seeking the answers to these questions for thousands of years, and will continue to do so as long as the human race exists. Why? because the answer will never come. The answers to these questions are unknowable. We can speculate and believe the answers to these questions, but we can not know them. They are matters of faith, not facts.
Religion is about faith, not facts. Granted, sometimes there are historical or archeological facts that may support a certain belief, but ultimately, it's what we choose to believe. But what happens when Faith and Facts collide?
I was raised in a Christian household. My adopted father was an interesting man. He attended Seminary and had a Divinity degree, but was also a Science teacher in an elementary school. At a fairly young age (in his forties), he attained 3 Masters degrees. He studied History, Politics, Science and Religion. Without a doubt, he was an incredibly intelligent and educated man who believed in God. How? Because he was able to listen to both his brain and his heart. He was able to reconcile his scientific mind with his passionate heart and the desire to believe in something that science could never explain while still respecting the scientific process and not denying scientific fact.
I wish more Christians possesed that ability. I wish more churches would teach people that the universe and planet Earth are more than 10,000 years old and that Dinosaurs and Humans never co-existed. I would love to hear a sermon that could explain how every species of animal on the planet fit onto Noah's ark and were cared for by 8 people. (By way of comparison, the San Diego Zoo employs about 600 people.) Maybe it's just my curious nature, but I need to know how stuff works on a logical level in order for me to be able to wrap my brain around it. I think that is why it's taken me many years to sort through my upbringing and decide as an adult what I truly believe.
In a nutshell, I'm a Christian. Let me tell you what that means to me.
It means that I believe in the teachings of Jesus Christ. In fact, the word "Christian" means "little Christ". But what does "Christ" mean? Some people may surprised to learn that Christ was not Jesus's last name. In his time, Jesus would have been known as Jesus of Nazareth or possibly Jesus, son of Joseph. "Christ" is the ancient Greek translation for the Hebrew word Messiah or Annointed. In other words, to be Christian means to be like Jesus.
It means to be kind and compassionate. It means to be humble and not judgmental. It means to be responsible and fair. It means to enjoy life and love those around you. It means to do the right thing even if it's the hardest thing.
I'm not saying that I do a great job at doing all these things. Actually, I can be a real jerk sometimes. I admit it.
But despite my shortcomings, even a self professed jerk like me at least gets the point of Christianity, and I am amazed and disheartened by those who claim to be Christians and miss the point completely.
When I see members of Westboro Church taking delight in the massacre of innocent children in Newtown and claim that God sent the shooter because Connecticut has pro gay laws, I am disgusted and angered.
I am appalled when I see "faith healing" con men like Peter Poppoff making millions of dollars by preying on the desperate and I wonder how a person could lack even a shadow of a conscience to do what he does.
The Catholic church has protected and concealed priests that engage in the molestation of children. Appalachian Pentecostals encourage followers to handle lethal rattlesnakes as a test of faith and to refuse medical treatment if they get bitten. Many of them die.
Warren Jeffs, the leader of a radical Mormon sect is serving a life sentence for arranging forced "marriages" and the the consequent rape of girls as young as 12 years old. Ted Haggard led a congregation of over 14,000 in his church in Colorado where every week he would espouse his conservative beliefs. What his congregation didn't know was that Ted was secretly having a 3 year affair with a male escort with whom he also liked to smoke meth.
And the list goes on and on. Indeed, some of the most criminal, outrageous, hypocritical, appalling acts have been performed in the name of God. How can anybody get it so wrong? How could anybody miss the point by that wide of a margin?
It's heartbreaking to see how sometimes people take something that is beautiful and Divine and distort it to the point of being sick and evil. And all the more reason to rejoice when someone gets it right.
I love reading about how the new Pope Francis has forgone the opportunity to live in solitary opulence and has chosen instead, to live in a simple apartment and eat breakfast every morning with other priests. I love the fact that the Pope spent Easter humbly washing the feet of inmates at a delinquent center including Muslims and women.
In Burton, Ohio, a church celebrated it's 200th anniversary by encouraging it's members to perform 200 acts of random kindness in their community. It's members baked cookies for public servants, paid for meals for strangers, filled neighbors' cars with gas and more. And most of the acts were done in anonymity.
When devastating tornados hit Oklahoma, several area churches banded together to donate drinking water, clothing, personal care items, medical care, and even stuffed animals to the families that had experienced unimaginable chaos and loss.
These are stories of true Christianity. These are the times when people conduct themselves in accordance to the example set by Jesus. These are the times when people are at their best.
And by the way, one doesn't need to believe in Jesus to be Christian. I can think of 3 people who I have met in my life that are exemplary models of Christianity, and all three are Agnostic. Conversely, I can also think of several people who are terrible examples of Christianity, all of whom are Bible thumping, regular church goers.
As for myself, I'm probably somewhere in between. I have my beliefs, but I sometimes stray from them. I struggle with my pride, my ego, my impatience, and my stress. I'm far from perfect, but that's okay. God knows my faults and still thinks I'm a pretty good guy, and that's good enough for me.
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